DECODED

['... The story of a million MCs all over the world who are looking out their windows or standing on street corners or riding in their cars through their cities or suburbs or small towns and inside of them the words are coming, too, the words they need to make sense of the world they see around them. The words are witty and blunt, abstract and linear, sober and fucked up. And when we decode that torrent of words- by which I mean really listen to them with our minds and hearts open- we can understand their world better. And ours, too. It's the same world']

Shawn Jay Z Carter - Decoded

Words give me such strength. Choose to tell it, and it appears- instantaneously. 

Words allow us to visualise things before they are. Words allow us to tell stories of a desert a thousand miles away whilst in the safety of our homes. Words are power that humans hold of the highest degree.. They give us a verbal way of communication that relates to people across the world. Think of the  prominent books across all time that have touched hearts and cultures: The Diary of Anne Frank, To Kill A Mockingbird, Romeo and Juliet and Pride and Prejudice to name a few classics. 

These novels have been read and reread many times because their message still resonates with us long after the author himself has withered and died. 

The characters they've created however still have a tangible influence on today's culture. Understand that only words, used correctly, can have such instant impact. 

That's why I am so in love with rap and rap culture. I love words and I love melody, so crafting both together to create an unique sound with an underlying strong bass is just a piece of heaven for me. I can't quite explain it,  Rap moves my soul. I say this because in my opinion there is no purer art form then words. So, to conjure up words with such essence, such feeling does something to me. It's unexplainable. 

You'll either love rap or hate it, but please don't dismiss it. It is a true art form. To craft words in such a way that it sits between a bed of beats is a true talent. The conception of the entire track is solely at the discretion of the artist. It could not be any more personal or raw. Whatever the emotion: happiness, anger, disgust it is expressed through the words the artist uses. 

Rap can be witty and funny or serious and shocking. It can take your breath away with the clever stories it tells. It can have single, double or triple metaphors all at work in one line. The multiple meanings in one song make it a dynamic discipline : the stories that are told come alive, ignited in the listeners mind at that very second.  

You do not need props or paint in order to tell a story, tell it and it just is. 

Such power should never be under estimated. So this entry is much my  overdue tribute to the power of words. After all these years, whether I have wanted or not, the words have come and still keep coming. 

After all these years, it's still the only way I am able to tell my story.  

BE. 

I Am Beautifully, Wonderfully Flawed

"I am the architect of my own destruction" - 

How I want the words to spill of the proverbial page tonight. So much on my heart, it's hard to conjure up the right words to express them. 

I'm surrounded by many things in my life, friendships, burdens and love. Yet I am constantly discontent. I want to feel at peace and one with myself and my place in the world. Instead I'm plagued with anxiety; I'm not advancing at the pace I want to go at, not leading the life I think I'm supposed to. And it's difficult man, fucking difficult to constantly not meet your own expectations of yourself. To constantly be your own source of disappointment. 

'Nobody to blame Kurt Cubain I did it to myself'

http://youtu.be/6AIdXisPqHc

It's on you man, it's always on you. The weight of that every day, every second. is quite frankly crushing.  What a heavy burden to carry. To never be good enough for you. To berate yourself day by day: 'I could've worked harder', 'I could've looked better' 'I could've sounded more intelligent'

I do it way to often. 

Anyway, the other day it came to the point where I couldn't stand my own thoughts any longer and broke down. 

A close friend reminded me that I would never treat my enemy let alone my closest friends the way I treat myself sometimes and I (albeit reluctantly) agreed with her. How very true that is. Once you all put it into perspective.. 

You have one body, one mind and one soul. Don't soil your spirit unnecessarily. Let go of things that distress you. 

Stop. Pause. Reevaluate. 

Don't choose to launch into a multitude of attacks that only work to further dampen your soul and undermine your spirits...

Learn to Forgive and Love yourself. You are beautifully, wonderfully flawed. It's in your genetic makeup to be that way. Who the fuck am I to fight against my own biology?

Just know that It really is all okay, Tomorrow is a new day and you can try and fuck up a little less. 

Again, FORGIVE yourself. You are not perfect, nor were you ever designed to be. Don't put yourself up to unrealistic goals or wishes. This in particular is 

the most difficult lessons to learn but it all the more necessary. 

Revel in both your imperfect actions and your imperfections. They make you, your quirky unique self. 

BE

Incomplete Thoughts

Recently, I've been finding it very difficult to find the words, at all. Writing, has always been a form of escape. Being able to paint a picture with my words is something that I always have revelled in and enjoyed. As of late however I am less and less inclined to let the words speak for themselves as it were.

Being the obsessively self aware person I am, I recognise why- it is because I am missing a fluidity in thought which translates into my writing. I need to clear my mind in order to renew and write with a fresh lease on.. life. 

Life itself recently feels stale and repetitive. I'm not someone who enjoys a mundane, banal existence and I feel unable to write because I am so uninspired. 

So what do I do? I look to the future. Where the skies are blue and life is good. I look forward, hoping that I will feel something again and soon, because somewhere in these last few months I've been a little numb to the motions. 

Everyday living bores me. I live for special moments that cannot be repeated. I live for those conversations with someone you barely know that shocks you speechless. Genuine connections that broaden your perspective. I live for those comments from friends that just tell me they are grateful I'm around. Those stolen kisses on street corners from the handsome guy I met in a bar. That surge of pure happiness when I'm walking down the street and the air feels crisp and fresh- and my soul feels vibrant and light. I live for those moments where I'm listening to Take Care and every track  and melody that I've heard a million times feels like the very first time. Moments where I feel my heart pump as the familiar sounds ooze through my veins.. and Drizzy is singing to me.

Moments. That make you feel alive and happy and blessed. Small ones, blink and you'll miss them. 

Well recently, there have been too few of them and too many of the everyday. How I hate the everyday. I don't find any source of wisdom or inspiration in my commutes around the city with stone faced people and bored students. I don't see any life in the people I'm on a day to day contact with, there's no experience behind their eyes or hurt or love. Through association therefore I become like them, just going through the motions once more- doing it all over again the next day. 

Well, it bores my very soul. 

So I haven't written. Not like this for a while. Just because I always aim to leave all my thoughts on the page when I do, and as of late.. Well they've been nothing special. 

Feeling as uninspired as I have been lately makes me less able to deal with life. I can't rely on my creative mind or inherent belief in a greater purpose if I'm just not feeling like there's much of either. 

Of course, my unconscious recognises life is bigger then this, that the expression I'm searching for is very much still within my reach, but I haven't wanted to reach out. 

I guess you could say that life, with too much of the ordinary and not enough of the extraordinary is exhausting me. 

To this I have two possible solutions. I either need to get away for a short while. Renew and refresh. Or go away for a long while. Travel. Just me and my thoughts. I need to fall in love with life again, only then will the words flow easily. More then that, I need to absorb life again. I need to find pleasure in every moment, every conversation, every track on Take Care once more. (Okay that's not true - I still enjoy Take Care beyond words. The day I don't is the day I'm in serious trouble.) 

I want to go to galleries and stare at art forms. I want to have intelligent articulate conversations with someone. I want to connect with something once more. And none of this, will happen while stay here, in the safety of all I know. I'm so in love with my city but I need to get out of here in order to grow spiritually. 

So, I've decided to take a gap year when this year is over. For sure. I need to feel mesmerised, in awe, vulnerable and challenged again. Life here is too repetitive and people much too predictable. Same old shit. 

Fuck that. 

I need to go see the world. 

After all, life begins at the end of your comfort zone right?

And apart from anything else it will for some fucking inspired pieces of writing. 

Words (ironically) cannot describe how much I can't wait. 

BE.