Being the obsessively self aware person I am, I recognise why- it is because I am missing a fluidity in thought which translates into my writing. I need to clear my mind in order to renew and write with a fresh lease on.. life.
Life itself recently feels stale and repetitive. I'm not someone who enjoys a mundane, banal existence and I feel unable to write because I am so uninspired.
So what do I do? I look to the future. Where the skies are blue and life is good. I look forward, hoping that I will feel something again and soon, because somewhere in these last few months I've been a little numb to the motions.
Everyday living bores me. I live for special moments that cannot be repeated. I live for those conversations with someone you barely know that shocks you speechless. Genuine connections that broaden your perspective. I live for those comments from friends that just tell me they are grateful I'm around. Those stolen kisses on street corners from the handsome guy I met in a bar. That surge of pure happiness when I'm walking down the street and the air feels crisp and fresh- and my soul feels vibrant and light. I live for those moments where I'm listening to Take Care and every track and melody that I've heard a million times feels like the very first time. Moments where I feel my heart pump as the familiar sounds ooze through my veins.. and Drizzy is singing to me.
Moments. That make you feel alive and happy and blessed. Small ones, blink and you'll miss them.
Well recently, there have been too few of them and too many of the everyday. How I hate the everyday. I don't find any source of wisdom or inspiration in my commutes around the city with stone faced people and bored students. I don't see any life in the people I'm on a day to day contact with, there's no experience behind their eyes or hurt or love. Through association therefore I become like them, just going through the motions once more- doing it all over again the next day.
Well, it bores my very soul.
So I haven't written. Not like this for a while. Just because I always aim to leave all my thoughts on the page when I do, and as of late.. Well they've been nothing special.
Feeling as uninspired as I have been lately makes me less able to deal with life. I can't rely on my creative mind or inherent belief in a greater purpose if I'm just not feeling like there's much of either.
Of course, my unconscious recognises life is bigger then this, that the expression I'm searching for is very much still within my reach, but I haven't wanted to reach out.
I guess you could say that life, with too much of the ordinary and not enough of the extraordinary is exhausting me.
To this I have two possible solutions. I either need to get away for a short while. Renew and refresh. Or go away for a long while. Travel. Just me and my thoughts. I need to fall in love with life again, only then will the words flow easily. More then that, I need to absorb life again. I need to find pleasure in every moment, every conversation, every track on Take Care once more. (Okay that's not true - I still enjoy Take Care beyond words. The day I don't is the day I'm in serious trouble.)
I want to go to galleries and stare at art forms. I want to have intelligent articulate conversations with someone. I want to connect with something once more. And none of this, will happen while stay here, in the safety of all I know. I'm so in love with my city but I need to get out of here in order to grow spiritually.
So, I've decided to take a gap year when this year is over. For sure. I need to feel mesmerised, in awe, vulnerable and challenged again. Life here is too repetitive and people much too predictable. Same old shit.
Fuck that.
I need to go see the world.
After all, life begins at the end of your comfort zone right?
And apart from anything else it will for some fucking inspired pieces of writing.
Words (ironically) cannot describe how much I can't wait.
BE.
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