More

He craves me.. He craves my lips. But god dammit I crave something more. I wish I didn't. I wish I'm someone who's content with enough. But I never have been. 

More.. Intelligence. Wit. Humour. Devilish good looks. An essence. A certain je ne sais quoi that cannot be explained or expressed only felt. Pure feeling. Something. Something more. And I'll know when I know but damn it's difficult.. Not to get sidetracked when.. he wants you enough... In fact his only misdemeanour is his being. Sure, superficially he ticks the right boxes.. He'd care enough. Sacrifice enough. Appreciate enough. 

Except..

I know he's not Him. The Him I've been pining after..

So instead. The dice is rolled. Do I wait, or do I live ? 

BE

Dear Self..

You are enough. 

I have to remind myself. Everyday. You are enough. 

Self, please be strong in that belief. Place  faith in that belief. For the contentment you so sorely seek is within. 

You,

You are..

Adequate. More then adequate. In fact you my dear overflow with thought and love and life. You are vibrant and exuberant and full to the brim, spilling out in all your thoughtful glory. 

You exist as an enigma to some and a menace to others. Always have done. 

See, you my dear are uncontained. You do not fit a certain mould, stereotype or way of being. You never have done. 

You know what it is like to stand even if it is alone. 

You know what it is to battle the most tumultuous waters.

You've been to the deepest darkest corners of the soul and emerged..alive. 

So you are..good. In yourself. Few people can say the same Self. 

Understand that you cannot be described, rather you must be lived. 

You must be lived and cherished and loved. Thoroughly. 

So, don't you ever ever do yourself the disservice to think your are not enough for anyone or anything.. 

For you are almost too much..in the best way possible. 

You are.. "Something not every body knows how to love".

Dissatisfied.

How are you supposed to exist in the present moment when your constantly wishing you were somewhere else? Somewhere where the sky is blue and your heart at peace. 

How are you supposed to feel fulfilled and content with where your at when it's not where you need to be. 

All I know, if anything, is that I need to get there, no matter what. So, until then nothing else matters. Right? 

See, I'm trying to slow down, breathe. Take it day by day. Yet all I constantly wish for is something else. Another piece of peace. Things unattainable. Twisted nature. And as a result, I'm so discontent with so much. My environment, my own nature. And that is so exhausting. It is so exhausting never to be quite..enough for yourself. And all most be too much. The intensity of my complexity is exhausting sometimes. 

How do you bear your own weight? Coexist as one; angel and devil. 

Constantly being your own worst enemy- how do you fight yourself? This I truly don't know.

And so I sit in a maze of dissatisfaction and discontent. 

This, simply is not enough. 

And perhaps that is a blessing in disguise, maybe this will push me onto greater + bigger things, but for now it is heavy burden to carry. 

Not enough not enough not enough. 

For real. 

BE 

Hometown Glory

If I have nothing,

If I am nothing else. 

I will always have this city. 

It will aways will be mine, completely. 

I feel this city within my veins. 

The street lamps and their dazzling glow, permanently etched in the corners of my mind. 

'London street lamps got a real glow' 

The rain beats outside of my window. And I breathe. 

Once more refreshed. 

Reminding me of truly how lucky I am. To have known a city like this. 

Crisp mornings. 

Late sultry nights. 

Leaving me breathless. You are amazing..

The feeling you give me. 

Is amazing. 

I live through you. And try as I might.. 

No words can do you city justice. Unforgettable. Irreplaceable . 

Bright lights make me come alive. 

London you are my life and my love and my soul. 

BE. 

Allow Yourself To Just..

It's okay to feel. 

It's okay to feel something even if the feelings bad. That's what I'm learning. Sometimes, things happen and you just don't want to deal with the aftermath. Your thoughts  become too overwhelming and your emotions too deep. 

See, I did anything not to feel. Not to relive something. Effectively drown my sorrows in anything but my sorrows. 

Yet, in the face of it, that is the most counterproductive you can get. 

Escape everything sure. That can be done. Leave the country - break off from everything I know. Easy. 

However, I simply cannot break away from my mind, soul and sprit. They are an inherent part of me. 

As a result, I cannot unlearn what I know or unfeel what I do. 

I can simply - and only this.. Simply allow myself the pure grace of feeling..

..Something. Crash or burn or elated joy. Either way it is respecting yourself enough to allow for feeling. It is saying, I am weak and human and that is a beautiful thing. Don't berate yourself for what you can't control.  

After all, going numb to every emotion does not stop the emotions from flowing when I come back to consciousness. 

I am a sentient being, I am someone who feels deeply. Sometimes I feel things that are not good. 

That is okay. As long as you don't shut yourself off of yourself, even if that means feeling something bad.. You'll get through it. 

Accept the feeling. Allow it to wash over you. Chalk it up to experience. And then move on. 

It may not be what I want to hear right now, but that's really all I can do. 

And it's enough. 

After all, even the tallest, prettiest flowers have to grow through soil right?

BE. 

DECODED

['... The story of a million MCs all over the world who are looking out their windows or standing on street corners or riding in their cars through their cities or suburbs or small towns and inside of them the words are coming, too, the words they need to make sense of the world they see around them. The words are witty and blunt, abstract and linear, sober and fucked up. And when we decode that torrent of words- by which I mean really listen to them with our minds and hearts open- we can understand their world better. And ours, too. It's the same world']

Shawn Jay Z Carter - Decoded

Words give me such strength. Choose to tell it, and it appears- instantaneously. 

Words allow us to visualise things before they are. Words allow us to tell stories of a desert a thousand miles away whilst in the safety of our homes. Words are power that humans hold of the highest degree.. They give us a verbal way of communication that relates to people across the world. Think of the  prominent books across all time that have touched hearts and cultures: The Diary of Anne Frank, To Kill A Mockingbird, Romeo and Juliet and Pride and Prejudice to name a few classics. 

These novels have been read and reread many times because their message still resonates with us long after the author himself has withered and died. 

The characters they've created however still have a tangible influence on today's culture. Understand that only words, used correctly, can have such instant impact. 

That's why I am so in love with rap and rap culture. I love words and I love melody, so crafting both together to create an unique sound with an underlying strong bass is just a piece of heaven for me. I can't quite explain it,  Rap moves my soul. I say this because in my opinion there is no purer art form then words. So, to conjure up words with such essence, such feeling does something to me. It's unexplainable. 

You'll either love rap or hate it, but please don't dismiss it. It is a true art form. To craft words in such a way that it sits between a bed of beats is a true talent. The conception of the entire track is solely at the discretion of the artist. It could not be any more personal or raw. Whatever the emotion: happiness, anger, disgust it is expressed through the words the artist uses. 

Rap can be witty and funny or serious and shocking. It can take your breath away with the clever stories it tells. It can have single, double or triple metaphors all at work in one line. The multiple meanings in one song make it a dynamic discipline : the stories that are told come alive, ignited in the listeners mind at that very second.  

You do not need props or paint in order to tell a story, tell it and it just is. 

Such power should never be under estimated. So this entry is much my  overdue tribute to the power of words. After all these years, whether I have wanted or not, the words have come and still keep coming. 

After all these years, it's still the only way I am able to tell my story.  

BE. 

I Am Beautifully, Wonderfully Flawed

"I am the architect of my own destruction" - 

How I want the words to spill of the proverbial page tonight. So much on my heart, it's hard to conjure up the right words to express them. 

I'm surrounded by many things in my life, friendships, burdens and love. Yet I am constantly discontent. I want to feel at peace and one with myself and my place in the world. Instead I'm plagued with anxiety; I'm not advancing at the pace I want to go at, not leading the life I think I'm supposed to. And it's difficult man, fucking difficult to constantly not meet your own expectations of yourself. To constantly be your own source of disappointment. 

'Nobody to blame Kurt Cubain I did it to myself'

http://youtu.be/6AIdXisPqHc

It's on you man, it's always on you. The weight of that every day, every second. is quite frankly crushing.  What a heavy burden to carry. To never be good enough for you. To berate yourself day by day: 'I could've worked harder', 'I could've looked better' 'I could've sounded more intelligent'

I do it way to often. 

Anyway, the other day it came to the point where I couldn't stand my own thoughts any longer and broke down. 

A close friend reminded me that I would never treat my enemy let alone my closest friends the way I treat myself sometimes and I (albeit reluctantly) agreed with her. How very true that is. Once you all put it into perspective.. 

You have one body, one mind and one soul. Don't soil your spirit unnecessarily. Let go of things that distress you. 

Stop. Pause. Reevaluate. 

Don't choose to launch into a multitude of attacks that only work to further dampen your soul and undermine your spirits...

Learn to Forgive and Love yourself. You are beautifully, wonderfully flawed. It's in your genetic makeup to be that way. Who the fuck am I to fight against my own biology?

Just know that It really is all okay, Tomorrow is a new day and you can try and fuck up a little less. 

Again, FORGIVE yourself. You are not perfect, nor were you ever designed to be. Don't put yourself up to unrealistic goals or wishes. This in particular is 

the most difficult lessons to learn but it all the more necessary. 

Revel in both your imperfect actions and your imperfections. They make you, your quirky unique self. 

BE