Endlessstreamofconsciousness

Tears well up in my eyes and if I let myself I will cry, a rib cage shattering, explosive, endless stream of tears falling from my eyes. And I can't even quite tell you why. If I could put it to anything it'd be fatigue. Mental fatigue of years of jumping between mines. I just want to live. Blissfully, without complication or burden. Because this shit is so heavy to carry with me sometimes I think I'm going crazy. Sometimes I feel so alone, like I'm the only one in the world who has my thoughts and my mind and my.. Oh rare soul. All the absolute love and compassion you hold for every single creature on this earth and no one can see that. Oh rare soul, your mind spans decades driven only by concept and idea's that are but a fragment of your imagination. This is all I know how to do. And if only I could verbalise quite so much I am full. Overflowing with the abundance of experience and life that I have lived.. I need to process. And breathe. And be alone please just let me be alone. I'll figure it out I promise. I know me, I'm just having a minute. Im just having a minute that turns into two that turns into hours that turn into days. And suddenly I've become to familiar with this weight just above my ribcage. I feel it move seamlessly within me, my every motion emulates and influenced by shadows of the past, my personal demons my own shit. Just let me figure it out I promise I'll figure it out. 

And I write like I'm possessed. Like I'm overcome with creatures from a different place..otherworldly..too far and wide enough for you to comprehend my dear. And I write like if I stopped I'd lose my breath, neither consistent breaths nor fully, ending. 

End. This stream of consciousness envelops me and I feel the back of my spine tingle with something. 

So FEEL Basak. Feel something because soon you'll be dead. Feel even if it is uncomfortable, especially if it's uncomfortable. Welcome to the human condition.  Let the emotion settle on the very tip of your fingers and travel to the back of your spine. For this is the only way, the ONLY way you'll know your alive. Listen to the beat of your heart B. It is alive solely for you. It's time for you to come alive. For you. 

Let it Be, Beautiful.

She wanted me to write about her for years. So this one is for you; Tansu. 

Never be afraid to feel. Especially love. Never be afraid to love. 

Instead, have the strength of character to immerse yourself in pure feeling. 

Never fear the swelling of your heart as it expands and accepts another in. Never reject the quickening of your heartbeat in the place of sour nothingness. 

You are ALIVE. 

And my what a life it is. 

Love boldy, as if you have forever and a day. 

Kiss passionately as if it's the last breath you'll use. 

See people are often apprehensive of love because it's not comfortable. Actually, it's the most uncomfortable experience a human being can go through. It means you let someone get close enough to hurt you. Actually hurt you. 

It means becoming the most vulnerable, stripped version of yourself standing their naked with flaws and all in the hopes that the other won't walk away. 

Harder still, loving someone means delving into the very core of your being and facing yourself one on one:

Do you like what you see? 

Are you adequate enough?

Are you worthy? 

All the anxieties, burdens and 

insecurities that have mounted over the years rear it's ugly neck just a new love sprouts. This monster stares at you forcing you into a corner of relentless doubt and questioning. 

With all this in mind, I say again love is louder always in every instance. Love is the only thing that will dispel the fears that you've fostered for so long and let your inner self shine through. Love is the only thing that will liberate your soul. 

So, let all your inhibitions go and allow yourself the grace of loving without mental constraint. Allow yourself to be whisked away by the depth of emotion 

Love him.. 

'Truly, madly, deeply'

Why again you ask?

Because presence is better the absence. 

Because lusting after his touch is a lot more difficult then accepting his kiss. 

Because satisfying that yearning is better then searing loneliness. 

Because it is better to have loved and lost then to have not loved at all. 

And.. Because you're the most incredible soul I know and you fucking deserve it. 

Go beyond reason to love, for it is the only thing there is safety in. 

Go out and love crazily, 

I'll be here on the flip side. 

http://youtu.be/wA4ppvp2IzY

BE. 

Relentless Satisfaction

There does not seem to be sanctity in anything anymore. Nothing is valued above all else, nothing is held in high esteem. Rather all things in relationships are tarnished and explored with brutal force. Curiosity for another exists as the only driving force, and when that is relentlessly exhausted we go onto the other. Instant gratification rules this generation, where hearts and bodies become privy to the game of minds. Who will come out on top? 

Though in such pursuits there are no winners. One emerges as the losing counterpart, it's soul battered and trust relinquished. One emerges as victorious, satisfied- for the moment at least, before he or she also goes onto the next prey, the next mind in the game of lust. 

Just Be

Light creeps through my window pane.. And I wonder. Is this what it is to be alive?

Amidst all of the anxiety and burden that I feel. It's quiet. Right now. In these moments where I can only hear my heartbeat and soft breath, where the birds are singing lullabies from faraway countries.. Is this what life is? Being truly present in a moment? 

Allowing yourself to just be. Allowing your thoughts to quieten where the only sound you hear is that of your pulsing, racing heartbeat. 

It reminds me.. 

"I am I am I am"

Human. 

What a beautiful thing that is. To be but a tiny grain in the sands of time. I've come and I'll go. 

For I coexist in such fragile machinery. I will eventually break, disintegrate and disappear.

The very remnants of our body remind us that everything is temporary..even our very being. So. 

Live..fearlessly. Without mental or physical constraint. Exist with love and compassion for every soul you encounter. For the road difficult, long and winding. 

It's nearly dawn break. Silence. 

With the light a new revelation creeps in..

I think I understand the birds song a little better.. We are both very alone in this world. In a terrifying but altogether liberating way. Much like the bird I can fly away.. To wherever my soul pleases. 

Actively fulfil your desires as this is the only way to stay true to your core. Actively create a world over spilling with life. 

Learn to just be. 

When it all gets a little too crazy pause. reflect. And continue. 

Always choose to drown out the noise of the world to listen to the beauty of your own heartbeat. 

Sometimes it's the only thing you need to hear. 

"Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it, cling to it. I want to become acutely aware of all I’ve taken for granted."

- Sylvia Path

More

He craves me.. He craves my lips. But god dammit I crave something more. I wish I didn't. I wish I'm someone who's content with enough. But I never have been. 

More.. Intelligence. Wit. Humour. Devilish good looks. An essence. A certain je ne sais quoi that cannot be explained or expressed only felt. Pure feeling. Something. Something more. And I'll know when I know but damn it's difficult.. Not to get sidetracked when.. he wants you enough... In fact his only misdemeanour is his being. Sure, superficially he ticks the right boxes.. He'd care enough. Sacrifice enough. Appreciate enough. 

Except..

I know he's not Him. The Him I've been pining after..

So instead. The dice is rolled. Do I wait, or do I live ? 

BE

Dear Self..

You are enough. 

I have to remind myself. Everyday. You are enough. 

Self, please be strong in that belief. Place  faith in that belief. For the contentment you so sorely seek is within. 

You,

You are..

Adequate. More then adequate. In fact you my dear overflow with thought and love and life. You are vibrant and exuberant and full to the brim, spilling out in all your thoughtful glory. 

You exist as an enigma to some and a menace to others. Always have done. 

See, you my dear are uncontained. You do not fit a certain mould, stereotype or way of being. You never have done. 

You know what it is like to stand even if it is alone. 

You know what it is to battle the most tumultuous waters.

You've been to the deepest darkest corners of the soul and emerged..alive. 

So you are..good. In yourself. Few people can say the same Self. 

Understand that you cannot be described, rather you must be lived. 

You must be lived and cherished and loved. Thoroughly. 

So, don't you ever ever do yourself the disservice to think your are not enough for anyone or anything.. 

For you are almost too much..in the best way possible. 

You are.. "Something not every body knows how to love".

Dissatisfied.

How are you supposed to exist in the present moment when your constantly wishing you were somewhere else? Somewhere where the sky is blue and your heart at peace. 

How are you supposed to feel fulfilled and content with where your at when it's not where you need to be. 

All I know, if anything, is that I need to get there, no matter what. So, until then nothing else matters. Right? 

See, I'm trying to slow down, breathe. Take it day by day. Yet all I constantly wish for is something else. Another piece of peace. Things unattainable. Twisted nature. And as a result, I'm so discontent with so much. My environment, my own nature. And that is so exhausting. It is so exhausting never to be quite..enough for yourself. And all most be too much. The intensity of my complexity is exhausting sometimes. 

How do you bear your own weight? Coexist as one; angel and devil. 

Constantly being your own worst enemy- how do you fight yourself? This I truly don't know.

And so I sit in a maze of dissatisfaction and discontent. 

This, simply is not enough. 

And perhaps that is a blessing in disguise, maybe this will push me onto greater + bigger things, but for now it is heavy burden to carry. 

Not enough not enough not enough. 

For real. 

BE